Death Kappa

Death Kappa is a relatively rare item: a kaiju movie based on myth rather than an established franchise or completely original characters. Directed by Tomoo Haraguchi, this one also comes with a certain sense of humor built into its fabric, even the name. Going into this one, I know very little about it because when I was compiling a list of films to do for this blog I decided to choose this one based almost entirely on its name. In my defense, this was not a cultural landmark so a lot of information about it on the internet is pretty sparse. Let's get to it.

If You Haven't Seen it Before

- Failed pop star/idol Kanako returns to her hometown to find it full of people with what seem to be radiation sickness. When she sees her grandmother for the first time in years, a group of rambunctious youths hit her with their car before driving off and knocking a statue of a kappa off a cliff into the sea.

- Kanako's grandmother, in her dying breaths, asks her to take care of thekKappa. This prompts Kanako to become the new guardian of the family shrine (unsurprisingly dedicated to a/the kappa).

- In the sea, the kappa statue awakens. Shortly thereafter, a creature attacks the youths who knocked the kappa statue it into the sea, who seem high as a kite.

- During the process of these multiple attacks, a man appears and kidnaps the girl in the group using a taser. He's creepy. Kanako also sees the kappa eating cucumbers (because kappas love cucumbers).

- The next day, some of Kanako's friends find her CDs and play them loudly. The kappa dances outside until they notice it. The group becomes friends with Kappa. At night, they are attacked and kidnapped by the creepy guy and his lady accomplice.
- Inside the lair of her kidnappers, Kanako finds herself surrounded by horrific artifacts and creatures, including ugly amphibuous creatures called Umihikos and a dessicated corpse in a wheelchair. 

- Umihikos were apparently created using cells of the Kappa during World War II as an attempt to turn Japanese soldiers into these amphibious super soldiers to turn the tide by invading America, but never managed to take hold because of how inhumane the project was. But this woman has continued her grandfather's research to create Umihikos, though it's not clear if she intends to take over the world.

- Threatened by the Umihikos, their creator, and her collaborators, Kappa shows up to protect Kanako. The Umihikos seem to stand some chance before Kanako destroys their control panel and paralyzes them. The scientist wields a machine gun and kills everyone and destroys everything except Kanako, as Kappa protects her using his turtle shell back.

- Upset, the scientist decides to unleash the atomic bomb she keeps in the lab, to destroy the lab and the entire village. I guess this... causes the Umihikos to fuse and grow to giant size and start ravaging the city? Either way, there's a giant monster now, called Hangyolas.

- The military confronts Hangyolas, managing to do damage but definitely not emerge victorious. Hangyolas breathes fire to destroy the tanks and planes before all of his foes run away in fear. 

- The military stands no chance, but good for everyone that Kappa was also mutated by the nuclear bomb and rises as the giant Death Kappa. He faces off with the Hangyolas, occasionally aided by the miltary delivering giant cucumbers to him.

- Death Kappa manages to make Hangyolas destroy himself, but then turns to destroying the city around him with his brand new mouth laser that he didn't use in the fight against the other giant monster.

- Kanako reappears, having somehow survived the literal nuclear explosion, and sweet talks Death Kappa into calming down and floating away into the sea.

Kaiju Notes 

- (Death) Kappa is based on the mythological kappa monster, as explained by the movie: a kind of ghoblin that inhabits rivers and ponds. With a plate on their heads and a turtle like shell on their back, they're expert swimmers and sumo wrestlers. The plate on their heads is also a weakness, and they love cucumbers.

- Kappa is fucking hideous. I'm not a big fan of killing things just cause they look weird, but I make an exception for kappas, apparently. This thing is a total abomination and its a sin to let it continue.

- The Umihikos are also quite ugly, but nowhere near as awful as Kappa. They're relatively nondescript, being humanoid looking but if you put their heads into a bloatfish. Boring.

- Hangyolas is the only monster in this movie that seems to have had any design put into it. It's not going to win any awards, but it's definitely not as atrocious as (Death) Kappa, and seems to be a semi-original idea since Kappa's appearance is really just modeled on the creatures of myth.

First things first: if that plot description above sounds particularly ridiculous: it is. This movie is clearly supposed to be funny. It's not. I regret choosing to watch this when I planned out all of the movies for this blog. This is the "Super Shark vs. KrakenOpolis" of Japanese cinema: a waste of time that no one tried with, and figured some tongue in cheek moments where military men call out for their mothers when they die at the hands of a giant monster would make up for the general shittiness of every other moment. As with the made up "Super Shark vs. KrakenOpolis", they are wrong. Maybe it's just me, but I genuinely don't enjoy things that suck on purpose. If a filmmaker or a writer or whatever is truly trying and just missing the mark, that can be entertaining and I can appreciate their heart (if not their work), but I don't see the point of just making disposable trash like Death Kappa.

There's not much else to say about this one. It sucks, but it sucks on purpose. It's not entertaining in its terribleness, and it's not trying hard enough to even care. Kappa is a horrific beast with no redeeming qualities. Kanako is barely a character. Let's forget this one happened.

Next: Pacific Rim!